Workplace dynamics can be complex, and sometimes toxic patterns emerge that leave us questioning our own perceptions and behaviour. Two particularly insidious dynamics are reactive abuse framing and gaslighting. Understanding these patterns is essential for maintaining your mental health and professional integrity, whether you’re experiencing them or concerned you might be contributing to them.
What Is Reactive Abuse Framing?
Reactive abuse occurs when someone who has been subjected to prolonged manipulation, criticism, or hostile behaviour finally responds with anger, frustration, or defensiveness. The original aggressor then points to this reaction as evidence that the victim is actually the problem, the aggressive one, or the “difficult” colleague.
In the workplace, this might look like a manager who consistently undermines an employee through subtle criticism, impossible standards, or exclusion. When the employee eventually expresses frustration or pushes back, the manager frames them as unprofessional, emotional, or insubordinate.
The framing is the crucial part. It’s not just about the reaction itself, but about how that reaction is then weaponised to rewrite the narrative and shift blame.
What Is Workplace Gaslighting
Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation where someone causes you to question your memory, perception, or judgment.
In professional settings, it’s often more subtle than in personal relationships but equally damaging.
Common workplace gaslighting behaviours include:
Denying conversations or agreements that definitely happened (“I never said that”).
Trivialising your concerns (“You’re being too sensitive” or “That’s not a big deal” or ” In a group or meeting – that collective echo of ‘No that not what it’s about’ when you share your feelings about an unfair criticism.)
Shifting blame for their mistakes onto you.
Withholding information, then claiming they told you.
Telling you that you’re remembering events incorrectly.
Dismissing your professional expertise or contributions.
Creating confusion about expectations then criticising you for not meeting them.
How These Patterns Intersect in the Workplace
Reactive abuse framing and gaslighting often work together in a devastating cycle. The gaslighter creates an environment of confusion and self-doubt. When you finally react to the accumulated stress and manipulation, they frame your reaction as the real problem, further reinforcing your self-doubt. You begin to wonder if you really are too sensitive, unprofessional, or difficult to work with.
Are You Being Subjected to These Dynamics?
Ask yourself these questions:
Do you frequently question yourself? If you constantly second-guess your memory, your professional judgment, or whether you’re “overreacting,” this may be a sign of gaslighting.
Do you feel like you’re walking on eggshells? A persistent feeling of anxiety about normal workplace interactions can indicate an unhealthy dynamic.
Are your reactions used against you? When you express legitimate concerns, are they dismissed and is your manner of expression made the focus rather than the content of your concerns?
Do you apologise excessively? If you find yourself constantly apologising for things that aren’t your fault or for having reasonable needs, you may be internalising someone else’s narrative.
Has your confidence eroded? A marked decrease in professional confidence, especially if you’re competent in other areas of your life, can be a red flag.
Do others validate your concerns? If trusted colleagues or friends outside the situation confirm that your perceptions seem accurate, take this seriously.
Could You Be Contributing to These Dynamics?
It’s worth examining your own behaviour with honesty and compassion. We all have the capacity to fall into unhealthy patterns, especially under stress. Ask yourself some probing questions:
Am I dismissing others’ concerns? When colleagues raise issues, do you truly listen or do you immediately deflect, minimise, or shift focus to their tone rather than their message?
Do I deny or rewrite history? Have you found yourself saying “that didn’t happen” or “you’re remembering wrong” when you’re actually uncertain or simply disagree with someone’s interpretation?
Am I labelling others as “too sensitive”? This phrase is often a red flag. People have different thresholds and valid reasons for their emotional responses.
Do I focus on reactions rather than actions? When someone responds negatively to your behaviour, do you examine what you did, or do you make their reaction the problem?
Am I creating unclear expectations? Do you set vague goals then criticise people for not meeting unstated standards?
Do I have a pattern of conflict? If multiple people have had similar complaints about your behaviour, it’s worth taking seriously rather than assuming everyone else is the problem.
Managing and Overcoming These Dynamics
If You’re Experiencing Reactive Abuse Framing or Gaslighting:
Document everything. Keep detailed records of conversations, agreements, emails, and incidents. Time-stamped documentation is invaluable for maintaining your grasp on reality and for any formal complaints.
Trust your perceptions. If something feels off, it probably is. Your feelings are valid data points, even if someone is telling you they’re not.
Establish boundaries. Where possible, insist on written communication. When verbal agreements are made, follow up with an email: “Just to confirm our conversation about X, my understanding is Y.”
Build external support. Maintain relationships with trusted colleagues, friends, or a therapist who can provide perspective and validation.
Limit emotional availability. You don’t need to justify your feelings or defend your character to someone who’s manipulating you. Keep interactions professional and factual.
Know your rights. Familiarise yourself with your organisation’s policies on bullying and harassment. Many of these behaviours may violate workplace conduct standards.
Consider your options. Sometimes the healthiest choice is to exit a toxic environment. Your mental health is worth more than any job.
Seek professional support. A therapist experienced in workplace trauma or narcissistic abuse can help you process the experience and rebuild your confidence.
If You Recognise These Patterns in Your Own Behaviour:
Acknowledge without defensiveness. Recognising harmful patterns is the first step. Resist the urge to immediately justify your actions.
Get curious about your motivations. What needs are you trying to meet through these behaviours? Control? Avoiding accountability? Protecting your ego? Understanding the root cause helps you address it.
Accept that impact matters more than intent. Even if you didn’t mean to harm someone, if they were harmed, that matters. Your good intentions don’t negate their experience.
Practice active accountability. This means actually listening when someone raises a concern, resisting the urge to deflect or defend, and taking responsibility for your impact.
Work on emotional regulation. If you’re deflecting because you feel threatened by criticism, developing better distress tolerance will help you respond more constructively.
Seek feedback actively. Create safe channels for honest feedback and genuinely consider what you hear, even when it’s uncomfortable.
Consider professional help. A therapist or coach can help you understand why you fall into these patterns and develop healthier ways of relating to colleagues.
Make amends where possible. If you’ve harmed someone, a genuine apology that doesn’t centre your feelings or make excuses can be powerful. Focus on what you did, the impact it had, and what you’ll do differently.
Creating Healthier Workplace Dynamics
Whether you’re recovering from these dynamics or working to prevent them, certain principles create psychologically safer workplaces:
Prioritise clear, documented communication. Reduce ambiguity wherever possible.
Validate before disagreeing. You can acknowledge someone’s perspective without agreeing with it: “I understand why you see it that way” opens dialogue rather than closing it down.
Focus on behaviours and impacts, not character. “When you interrupted me in the meeting, I felt dismissed” is more productive than “You’re disrespectful.”
Welcome different perspectives. Diversity of thought strengthens organisations, but only if people feel safe expressing dissenting views.
Model accountability. When leaders acknowledge mistakes and respond constructively to feedback, it creates cultural permission for everyone to do the same.
Moving Forward
Reactive abuse framing and gaslighting are serious issues that can profoundly impact mental health, career trajectory, and sense of self. Whether you’re experiencing these dynamics or recognising them in your own behaviour, change is possible.
Remember that healing isn’t linear. If you’ve been subjected to these patterns, rebuilding your confidence and trust in your own perceptions takes time. Be patient with yourself. If you’ve engaged in these behaviours, changing ingrained patterns requires sustained effort and self-compassion alongside accountability. But it’s not impossible.
The workplace should be a space where people can contribute their talents without having their reality questioned or their reasonable reactions weaponised against them. By recognising these patterns and committing to healthier dynamics, we create professional environments where everyone can thrive.
Read more about the approach to conflict management here.
